Our local CVS Pharmacy had been staffed by the same clerk for ages before switching to self-checkout. So, the poor guy who endured years of harassment and abuse from entitled customers was replaced by machines. Now, he has a new job—he oversees the self-checkout area, pointing out LOUDLY what his previous tormentors are doing WRONG before coming to their rescue. Some call this the circle of life. I liken it to a cosmic balancing of the books. Regardless, a new sheriff was in town—a hero who donned neither cape nor badge. Justice had a new name: Dennis.
On this particular morning, the confederacy of dunces at the self-checkout line had come to a complete halt—it seemed the "self" part of self-checkout had checked out. Sheriff Dennis had his hands full maintaining law and order, racing from machine to machine with the reset key, shouting a combination of instructions, clarifications, Captain Obvious quips, and one obnoxious takedown after another.
Customer: The screen says, "Place items in bagging area to finish." Does that mean putting it in the bag first and THEN the bagging area? Or put everything in the bagging area and then put my stuff into individual bags? What if I have too many items to fit in the bagging area, or need to switch things from one bag to another?
Dennis: Is your anti-anxiety medication one or more of your items?
On any other day, I might have enjoyed the spectator sport. But the three enormous cups of coffee I'd enjoyed earlier were making their presence known, and I still had a frustrating number of brain donors in front of me before I could check out and head home. Time moved at a glacial pace. Then, above the din of overwhelmed, technologically challenged CVS customers, I heard the faint strains of Grand Funk Railroad's "Closer to Home" begin to play from the overhead speakers through the store PA system, tuned to the local classic rock radio station.
Jazz has gradually taken up an increasing percentage of my listening time over the years. While I maintain a degree of balance and haven't abandoned my rock, prog-rock, or jam band agendas, I've become more selective. Admittedly, I've also gotten fussier about which music holds my attention. While some songs used to sound AMAZING after a half-dozen bong hits under the glow of black light posters in a college dorm room, they overstay their welcome quickly these days. Especially when you're in a line of people with an average IQ hovering just above your shoe size, and your bladder is traveling in the express lane. As time stood still that morning at CVS, with Sabre-tongued Sheriff Dennis thrusting epic one-liners to his former tormentors, I fixated on "I'm Your Captain," a song in heavy rotation for much of my first year of college. And I had questions.
The full-length version of the track runs ~ten minutes, give or take. The early part of the song introduces our protagonist, who has issues. Whether the song is a literal description of a sea Captain facing mutiny or an allegory for addiction, the point is clear—there is conflict on this ship, and our hero is having none of it. His paranoia is getting the better of him, but he 👏 is 👏 the 👏 Captain! So, with his troubles off his chest in the first four and a half minutes of the tune, the stage is set for conflict resolution.
After all, we’ve got time. While the CVS line has diminished somewhat, it's not enough to significantly impact my circumstances. Tempers are fraying. Dennis stomps past me, clutching a tube of closeout holiday wrapping paper as if he had just failed the audition for a local production of Walking Tall.
Here's where Grand Funk Railroad's story goes overboard (see what I did there?). The vocals cease, the driving bass/drum and effects-laden guitars slow, and we hear the sounds of the sea. A gull cries, spiraling in lazy circles overhead as waves lap at the ship's hull. A string section and flutist—obviously stowaways—make their presence known, as our hero proclaims:
I'm getting closer to my home.
Phew! I'm pleased things are moving in the right direction. I'm only a few customers away from checkout, so we're twinning—I’m getting closer to my home, too! Except Karen at self-checkout stand #1 was having a tantrum. She was stomping her feet as she spewed a litany of complaints about technology, forced change, lousy customer service, and reasons why her valuable time was more valuable than others. Her voice was also increasing in volume and intensity. I checked my phone. It'd been a minute since our Captain announced his navigational intent. However, his vocals reassured me that his homeward-bound commitment remained steadfast, with orchestra and gulls in tow. Meanwhile, Sheriff Dennis attempted an intervention with Karen:
Customer: This stupid machine won't let me continue!
Dennis: Let me look.
Customer: Everything worked better when I handed it to you, and YOU did it all. Why can't YOU do it for me now?
Dennis: Then it wouldn't be SELF-checkout, would it? We don't have regular checkout anymore.
Customer: Who do you think you’re talking to? Bring the manager over right now!
Dennis: I'll call him, but he's not expected for another half hour. Would you like me to help you finish it or not?
Customer: FINE!
Dennis: I see the problem. You've put your purse and shopping bag in a self-checkout area different from the one you use to actually check out. So you need to place your extra large package of <with intentional loudness> VAGISIL back in the bag at your checkout area <taps buttons, swipes her card, produces receipt>. I hope you enjoy the rest of this bright, fresh day!
Dennis for President, 2024. Meanwhile, three more minutes have passed. Our Captain is STILL getting closer to his home. Somebody please buy this dude a freakin' compass or GPS—I mean, he should at least be able to see it from where he's singing, right? I finally reached the promised land: self-checkout stand #2. Item scanned. Place it in the bag in the bagging area. Apple Pay is complete. The checkout machine has dispensed a three-mile-long receipt, and I head for the door. As I exit, I can hear the disc jockey begin to speak as the song fades out...spoiler alert: our Captain has gotten closer but never gets there. He’s spent HALF of this song—nearly five minutes—singing about how much closer he’s getting. But like the finale of The Sopranos, the end remains unclear, and the Captain’s fate is an unsolved mystery. Did he ever make it home? Or did he become gull-chow, a victim of his own crew?
I don’t really care. My point is that "Closer to Home" overstays its welcome—BIG TIME. After finally making it home and finding the blessed relief that allowed me to think about something other than ships, streaming, and the sounds of Niagra Falls, I wondered: What tunes stretch past the ten-minute mark and hold my attention the entire time? Long tunes without wasted notes or overt repetition, and when they ended, it surprised me that THAT much time had elapsed. I thought my list would be longer, and to my earlier point, perhaps it used to be. But now, my epic EPICS list is more selective:
Hatfield and the North “Mumps”
Tightly arranged, Zappa-influenced jazz-rock infused with absurdist humor that surprises and delights me with every spin. It’s a long journey, too, clocking in at ~twenty minutes, with cleverly arranged earworms, hooks, and recurring themes that are brilliantly played and sung. Prepare yourself for the extra-superhuman musicianship beginning at 6:25: the Hammond solo is indeed face-melting, but bring your abacus to calculate the time signature underneath. Spoiler alert—that’s no waltz.
Dexter Gordon “Tanya”
If there’s a Nobel Prize for bass lines, Niels-Henning Ørsted Pedersen takes it for “Tanya,” one of the most striking pieces in Dexter Gordon’s impressive Blue Note 60s run. Not to take anything away from Gordon’s impressive exploration during this track or Kenny Drew’s STELLAR piano work, but NHØP delivers above and beyond.
Steven Wilson “Home Invasion/Regret #9”
It's the best track from the best prog-rock album of this millennium. Intrigued? Like many Wilson-led projects, the entire concept record reimagines Wilson’s teen prog influences from the “big names” in the 70s genre. But Wilson has, in ways, learned from the triumphs and follies of their formulas, creating an immersive tale based on modern events. “Home Invasion/Regret #9” paints a portrait of a hollow, empty, digitally-led life, capped by a wild Moog solo from former Miles Davis and noted fusion player/composer Adam Holzman. It could have ended there, but Holzman hands things off to guitar virtuoso Guthrie Govan, who somehow levels up both musicianship AND overall intensity. This guitar solo holds a place in my all-time Top Five. Yeah, it’s THAT good.
Terumasa Hino meets Reggie Workman “Ode to Workman”
Does your sofa have seat belts? You’ll need 'em. If you are interested in Japanese Jazz, this J-Jazz: Deep Modern Jazz From Japan 1969-1984 album is HIGHLY recommended. It’s among my most-played records and deserves more than the passing mention I make here. The track “Ode to Workman” is one of its many highlights. Hear it for Reggie Workman’s killer bass lines. Buy it for the excellent bass clarinet from Takao Uematsu. Recommend it to all you know for the LETHAL guitar playing unleashed by Kiyoshi Sugimoto.
Yes “The Gates of Delerium”
“Close to the Edge” deserves every accolade it gets. But from my perspective, “The Gates of Delirium” from Relayer is a more effective epic. The narrative arc, musicianship, and balance between light and dark remain some of the most potent music Yes created in the 70s. Those fearing the dreaded prog rock cliches of excessive mellotron breaks and hippie-dippie songs about elves and wizards will find those tropes shattered. “The Gates of Delerium” draws from the Vietnam War and Tolstoy—nary a Druid in sight—and the ferocity of the musicianship as the battle peaks would send plenty of bands with heavier reputations scurrying under the bed for safety.
Tubby Hayes “100% Proof”
“100% Proof” is one of the wildest big band performances ever. Don’t let the innocent, “who, me?” look on Tubby’s face lull you into a false sense of complacency. Tubby’s big band will drink your last beer, watch the season finale of your favorite show without you, and then leave their dirty dishes in the sink. That’s just the warm-up. This big band has a lot to say over fourteen minutes, but the overall message is delivered with power—and plenty of it! Don’t expect a lot of intricate, subtle passages intertwining on nimble cat’s feet. This is a gargantuan wallop, punctuated by virtuoso solos by Tubby that are so fast the sound barrier lies in shards at my feet. Hear the stereo version if you can—mono is too restricting for the nuclear-sized might of this combo.
Rush “2112”
I admit there may be nostalgia bias at work here—2112 is one of the first albums I owned. Rush was the first band I ever really fell for, and their music spans the generations in our home—they remain a family favorite. I still perfectly nail those air drum fills at stop signs and traffic lights. I cannot confirm or deny the presence of a family member in the car who once informed me, “You were off on that Temples of the Syrinx roll. And the light’s green—you can go now.”
Makoto Terashita/Harold Land “Dragon Dance”
Here’s another Japanese Jazz epic that I’ve often recommended as a gateway into J-Jazz and a longtime favorite here at Jazz and Coffee HQ. You can find “Dragon Dance” on Volume 2 of the J-Jazz Series or the Topology reissue as part of the J-Jazz Masterclass Series.
The Japanese Jazz scene is a gift that keeps on giving—the more I explore, the more incredible music I find. In addition to the recommendations above, I recommend following Brian McCrory’s
Substack, as his expertise is mind-boggling.What’s your favorite epic? Comments are open—tell us about them!
To me it's a huge crime that Gate of Delirium is mostly unsung in the large Yes catalog.
Close to the Edge and Tales from Topographic Oceans always gets mentioned but Gates of Delirium (and Relayer overall) blows both of them away!
Syd! I'm often blown away by your writing and storytelling, and of course your deep knowledge and love of music and records that I also treasure. I've been following you on social media and now here @Syd Schwartz @jazzandcoffee and your presence has been a gift. Now I'm blown away again, as it was an unexpected honor to be recognized by you. Thank you! Keep the jazz and coffee flowing... Cheers!